I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
they're like a gay fantastic four
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
