I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
