Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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