Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize