sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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