Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
where am i from again
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
