Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize