ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize