I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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