you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
