My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
