And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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