Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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