I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
