On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
