And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
