hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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