So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
