her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
