i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
