I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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