Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
