Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
