have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
