Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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