Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
