just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
