Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just want nice things and good sex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
