I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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