Swine flu. Run for my life!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize