Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
