Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I wear drunk well.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
