You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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