Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
