i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
