My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
