what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
