I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
