We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
