I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
