Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
