God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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