how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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