rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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