I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
