I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
