I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you made out with another girl for some wings
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I use my feet as sexual weapons
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
