Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
