Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
