is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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