Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
