Do you still have your period?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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