My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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