If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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