between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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