Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
