I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
false alarm, still single
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
