The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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