i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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