ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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