I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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