he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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