Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
