im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
