We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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